


and i'll do better

by gealbhan



Category: Kingdom Hearts (Video Games)
Genre: ADHD Character, Autistic Character, Clothes Shopping, Families of Choice, Gen, Post-Kingdom Hearts III, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:08:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24033283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gealbhan/pseuds/gealbhan
Summary: Xion buys clothes. Lea helps.
Relationships: Axel & Xion (Kingdom Hearts), Lea & Xion (Kingdom Hearts)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 23





	and i'll do better

**Author's Note:**

> i am incapable of writing anything but family stuff right now. feels like it goes without saying but if you see this in a romantic context at all please begone. also, there's super light implications of leaisa + namixi here -- blink-and-you'll-miss-it enough that they don't even warrant bg tags, i just need you to Know.
> 
> warnings for a near panic attack (not from a pov character) and brief mentions of dysphoria and dissociation. this is a light, happy story though, i swear.
> 
> title from "light" by sleeping at last. enjoy!

The perpetual sunset of Twilight Town is bright and warm as it washes through the windows, and the shopkeeper of a small boutique in the Tram Common has long since given up the pretense of making eye contact—let alone conversation—with Lea as he leans with his back against the wall. His attention is occupied by his Gummiphone, but he keeps an ear out for any unpleasant sounds from the curtained-off dressing room to the side. Xion had disappeared inside with an armful of clothing some thirty minutes ago.

Is that too long? Lea doesn’t know the average time frame it takes people to try on clothes, let alone that many, and he can’t—nor does he want to—gauge her progress from here. She’s probably just taking her time. For as headstrong as she can be, Xion is cautious, too, always wanting to do things right even if there isn’t a real _right way_.

Distant worry still gnaws at the edges of his mind. He distracts himself by tapping, idle, at his phone screen, glow reflecting into his face. He doesn’t have any messages to reply to or anything, but he does need something to occupy his hands with while he waits. Today, this means he’s playing a methodical but pointless game because he refuses to stoop so low as downloading crossword puzzles or anything to that extent. He’s not _that_ old.

He shakes his head and averts his focus once again to the screen. Another few moments pass with nothing from Xion. Maybe he should check on her. With an exhale through his nose, Lea raps his knuckles against the wall beside him and calls, “You all right in there?”

There comes a _thud_ , loud enough to make Lea wince but not enough to draw the shopkeeper’s attention. A few shuffling sounds follow—then, too high-pitched to be trustworthy, “Yeah! Doing great!”

“Uh-huh.” Xion doesn’t sound like she’s in active distress, so he’ll let it slide for now. “You’ve just been in there for a while. Let me know if you need anything.”

“Okay. I’m fine, though.”

He can almost hear the eyeroll in her tone. Lea huffs—teenagers—and returns to his phone, mulling over the situation.

As weird as it seems even to him, it isn’t altogether new. They’d gone clothes shopping about a month ago with Roxas, perusing boutiques across a variety of towns in search of some clothes better-fitted than what little they’d been able to borrow ( _they_ meaning Roxas and Xion; Lea’s build isn’t quite suited for borrowing clothes from teenagers) and in colors other than black. Roxas had bought about enough to fill a wardrobe. Xion had settled for a couple of outfits grabbed at random, seeming more overwhelmed than anything. She hadn’t even tried her new clothes on before getting them, meaning they’re a little big on her, but she’d been washing and rewearing them every other day nevertheless, ignoring pointed looks and raised eyebrows.

This repeat occurrence is something Lea might have to get used to, though. Given her earlier experience, if Xion asking if she could go clothes shopping again hadn’t been a surprise already, then her adding, _“Without Roxas or anyone. Just me,”_ certainly had.

After a moment’s worth of blinking, Lea had responded, _“I’m not your keeper, just your legal guardian on paper.”_ He’d tried and failed to combat a grin at saying so aloud, but Xion had still looked apprehensive. _“I mean, yeah, that’s totally fine. Don’t even need to ask.”_

He hadn’t asked her to elaborate, but after smiling in relief, she’d bitten her lip and looked down. _“I just—want to do something on my own,”_ she’d said, twisting her hands together at her waist. _“For me. Roxas’s help is really great, but… I want to pick out something all by myself. That fits me.”_ She’d tugged at her shorts and then her hair. _“I—I don’t know if I can explain it.”_

“ _Hey, I get it—I was sixteen once too.”_ Xion had given him such a startled look that Lea had felt somewhat offended. _“C’mon, I’m not_ that _old.”_

“ _You’re almost thirty,”_ Xion had pointed out.

“ _Yeah, I guess that’s practically dead to you, being, like, chronologically two.”_ Lea had rolled his eyes, and she’d rolled hers right back at him. He’d smoothed a hand over the back of his head so as to not let the conversation get too out-of-hand. _“Seriously, though, I understand. You’re a flourishing young woman with a burgeoning sense of independence—”_

“ _Okay, don’t be gross about it.”_

“ _What’s so gross about growing up, Xion?”_ He hadn’t been able to keep a straight face and had been doubled over laughing before he got through her name. _“It sucks, actually._ _I wouldn’t have, if I could have helped it_ _.”_

Xion had shaken her head, hiding a smile behind wisps of hair. _“Anyway,”_ she’d said with a firm glance, _“thank you.”_ She’d looked bright and—above all else—excited, rocking back and forth on her heels with a glint in her eyes, looking like a kid on Christmas. Something she’d never gotten to be before. Something Lea would make sure she would get the chance to be. _“Um,”_ she’d added a second later, swaying again, _“but I don’t exactly have any money, and, uh—”_

“ _You want someone there to bail you out if it gets to be too much?”_ Lea had asked, having noticed her growing discomfort as the day had grown longer last time. Xion had grimaced but nodded, though he’d guessed that wasn’t the phrasing she would have gone for. He’d patted her head. _“I’d be happy to help.”_

“ _Thank you, Lea,”_ Xion had said again, stumbling a little on the name as always, and he’d waved her off, sure anything she was so insistent upon would be important.

Lea jolts himself back to the present just as the song on the radio switches. It’s nothing he’s familiar with, but he hums on instinct anyway. As is always wont to happen, his attention strays from his game, eyes wandering instead around the shop—nothing would fit him, being intended for adolescent girls (its advertisement as such being, Lea suspects, a major factor in Xion’s determination), and his faint wish to get a new binder today would therefore have to be seen to another time, but it’s never too early—or late—to gather gift ideas in advance. A pair of sandals on display, studded with small pink gems, seems perfect for Kairi. There’s a jewelry section, so maybe he could find some earrings for—

Another _thump_ sounds from the dressing room. Lea’s attention returns to Xion, and on alert, he turns back toward the curtains. “Still doing all right? Not having any trouble, are you?”

“Still fine, Lea.” There’s a clipped note to Xion’s voice, and Lea rests his head against the wall. He waits, and sure enough, after a moment, Xion takes a breath and rushes to say, “Do you—” She interrupts herself with a sound that sounds like a semi-hysterical laugh. “Never mind.”

“No, tell me,” says Lea, putting his phone in his pocket and ignoring the shopkeeper’s conflicted look. “What’s up?”

Xion sighs. “Just—how do you feel about mirrors?”

It’s not a question Lea expects, and he finds himself blinking as he tries to come up with an answer. “Uh—fine, I guess? Nowadays, anyway. I don’t think I loved them as a kid, or right after reforming—wasn’t ever sure what I’d see,” he says, recalling the faint disconnect as he’d pulled himself up and stared at his bare cheeks, no longer bothering to lock tears away. “Why do you ask?”

“Oh. There’s one on the wall in here.”

“Yeah, I think that’s the point. You’re supposed to be able to see how the clothes look on you.”

“Right, I know.” Xion’s tone grows somewhat indignant—good to hear that she’s not out of it to the point of being unable to summon that. If he strains his ears, Lea can almost hear her hands wringing. “I just don’t really like them. I wanted to hear if you felt the same way.”

She hasn’t specified her exact feelings, so Lea prompts, “Do I?”

“I think so. Not being sure what you’ll see—” Xion cuts herself off, moving in some way that makes a floorboard creak. “I’m never really sure. I want to try this on—” a rustling sound that must be her picking up one of the items she’d brought in “—but I keep looking away from the mirror. Which I should do, right?”

“If you wanna know how they _look_ , sure. But you should be able to tell if they fit just from wearing them. And, you know, looking down.”

The floorboards continue to creak, presumably as Xion rocks back and forth on her feet. “Yeah, I know. But I want to be able to look in the mirror.” Her voice cracks, fading out with shame and anxiety.

Her feelings must come at least half from a completely different context than Lea’s—it’s not like he has experience as a replica crafted of memories—so he’s at a loss as to how to reassure her from that end of things. He’s still in the middle of figuring things out when a sharp, damp noise startles him from his thoughts. He registers it at once as a panicked gasp.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. Just breathe with me, all right, Xion?” Lea takes a deliberately slow breath to set forth an example, counting out each beat in his own mind and narrating aloud: “In… and out. In… and out. In—”

Xion follows along, breaths loud enough that he can hear her from where he’s standing. He drums his fingers against his side in an effort to not get caught up in her anxiety spiral himself.

A minute or two passes with them taking deep breaths in unison. When her breathing begins to even out, Lea clears his throat. Big speeches aren’t his thing—too much to keep memorized; a few catchy, bombastic one-liners are more his speed—but he tries anyway.

“We can leave,” he says, slow, “if that’s what you need. You don’t have to get anything today. We can come back another time—or you can come back on your own, or with Roxas, or with your other friends, or something. Or, hey, you can never step foot in this store again!” He’s almost certain the shopkeeper gives him a dirty look at that, but hey, they’re not the one trying to comfort a girl on the verge of a panic attack here. “It’s all right if it’s too much. But if you still want to try on those clothes, you can—if the mirror is too much, we can work around that. I’m just right out here. You’re here, you’re okay, and if you want to buy the entire stock of this store—” he slips in a note of exaggerated resignation “—I _guess_ my wallet can suffer for the sake of making you feel better.”

A cut-off snort sounds. It’s something.

Even though she can’t see him, Lea tilts his head. “No rush, of course, but what do you say?”

Another couple of seconds pass in which Xion clicks her tongue against her teeth, formulating a response. Then she says, voice tight but steady, “I want to stay.” Her boots tap against the floor. “I like how these clothes look and feel—” the latter seems to be more important, going off of the excitement in her voice “—so I want to try them on and see if they fit.”

“No buying the whole store?”

“No buying the whole store,” says Xion firmly. She takes another deep breath and another cautious step. “I’m going to try looking in the mirror. I’m opening my eyes—”

She’d had them closed? It doesn’t matter, Lea decides with a shake of his head, waiting for her reaction.

There are no more _thump_ s or shaky inhales, only the steady sound of Lea’s heartbeat in his ears and his fingers drumming at his side, so he asks again: “All right in there, Xion?”

“Yeah.” Her voice is faint, so distant he almost doesn’t hear her over the music still playing around them.

“Uh-huh? Want to keep me updated?”

“Oh, sorry,” squeaks out Xion. “Um, I’m just looking in the mirror. It’s—fine.” She almost seems surprised. “I’m not really good with faces, but it’s just mine. Not Sora’s, not a puppet’s, or—anything. Just me.”

“Just Xion,” agrees Lea. “See? I knew you could do it. Well—you don’t feel like passing out or anything, do you?”

“No. I feel fine.” Just like that, Xion is back to audible skepticism; he can almost feel her look of confusion and mild irritation through the curtain. “Why would I pass out?”

“Hey, forgive me for being worried.” Lea throws up his hands and presses his shoulder farther against the wall. “You’re still trying on the clothes, right?”

“Yeah. I’m gonna do that now. Give me a minute, okay?”

“Sure thing.” Even though the curtain is already dividing them, Lea turns away. At last, he meets the eyes of the blase shopkeeper—who seems to be working out how he and Xion are related when they act like some weird middle ground between a father-daughter and brother-sister relationship but look nothing alike—and gives them a sheepish grin. He gets nothing but a bored blink in return.

A couple more minutes pass, by the end of which Lea is considering getting his phone out again to have something to do besides looking around and uselessly adjusting his collar. Before he can reach back into his pocket, Xion is saying, “Okay, I’m coming out.”

“Hey, I already know you’re—” Lea pauses midway through the (admittedly cheap) joke, turning to face Xion as she steps out from the fitting room. “Oh. Huh.”

Xion is swaying on her feet, face tinted red and smile broad but hesitant. She’s wearing the boots and seashell necklace—crafted herself, with help from Kairi and Naminé—she’d come in with, but the rest of her clothes are new, and Lea realizes he hadn’t even seen what she’d picked out before darting into the changing room. A sleeveless blue top, the design of a black cat peering up from the pocket on one side, is tucked into a black skirt that falls to her knees. She keeps twisting the edges of the skirt around her and smoothing her hands down the front.

If she’d wanted to prove she could do something herself, she’s done an impeccable job of it. She looks… grown-up but still youthful, evident in her stature and the caution in her smile. Confident. Happier than Lea thinks he’s ever seen her.

He’s unable to hold back a sniff.

“Are you crying?” demands Xion, hands flying to her horrified face. “Is it that bad?”

“No and no,” says Lea, proving the first one false by wiping a tear away as quickly as he can manage, flicking it off his hand. One downside of not wearing gloves all the time: He can feel the salt and water on his skin, and it doesn’t feel great. “You look just fine, kid. Do _you_ like it?”

Xion tugs at the ends of her skirt, making it twirl around her. “I—yeah.” She smiles from ear to ear, dimples forming on her cheeks. “I really do. I’ve never worn a skirt before,” she confesses, which makes sense (until a few weeks ago, she’d never worn anything besides the Organization coat) but still makes Lea blink. “I like it a lot.”

“And that’s what matters,” says Lea, grinning back. “It suits you, for what it’s worth.”

She just about glows at that, dimples creasing even further and bright eyes crinkling at the edges. “Thank you. Thank you so much, Lea.”

Lea sees her moving, but he’s still somehow almost startled off his feet when Xion launches herself forward and wraps her gangly arms around him. He stumbles but manages to keep himself steady, blinking. She sniffles—it seems to be more out of joy than anything. She’s shaking hard enough into the hug that he trembles a little too; with a small snort, he recovers from his shock enough to pat the top of her head.

They stand there for a brief moment, eternal sunset warming their sides, before Xion speaks up, voice somewhat muffled by the front of Lea’s now snot-streaked shirt.

“Um, but I still want to try on the other clothes I picked out now, so—”

*

They leave the store within the hour, the weight in Lea’s pockets relocated to the bag Xion is swinging at her side. In addition to the original ensemble and some accessories, she’d gotten another outfit consisting of a red shirt and ripped denim shorts, a floral one-piece the shopkeeper had referred to as a romper, an informal black gown, and a white halter dress she’d remarked had reminded her of Naminé (Lea hadn’t pointed out the redness of her face in return for her not mentioning the crescent moon-shaped stud earrings he’d slipped into the bag).

It’s not so late in the evening that the Tram Common is empty, but there’s at least a thinner smattering of people than the crowds common earlier in the day. An unrestrained smile sits on Xion’s face as she walks along, steps gliding and eyes shining. Lea would be surprised if she could feel the ground beneath her feet.

Still, he asks: “Still feeling all right?”

Xion’s smile doesn’t drop for an instant. Any tear tracks, from joy or no, have been scrubbed away by now. “Yeah. I feel—I don’t know. Light?”

“Yeah, I can tell,” says Lea through a laugh, half-teasing but genuinely happy for her. “You’ve got a glow about you. Though that could just be the sun.” He shields his eyes from it as they turn onto a sidewalk that puts them right in its glare, wishing—not for the first time—he’d had the sense to bring sunglasses.

Toying with the ends of the skirt she’d changed into before they left, Xion huffs. A beat of silence passes as they continue walking, sidestepping a pair of siblings arguing about what they’re going to do for dinner. Xion perks up and asks, “Hey, can we go get ice cream?”

“You goad me into buying clothes for you, and now you want ice cream too?” Lea keeps his tone light enough that she can tell he’s joking, adding a grimace. Xion just snorts but doesn’t let up on the pointed look. “You can’t live off of sea salt ice cream alone. You’ve gotta eat food with some degree of nutritional value.”

Xion gives him the unrepentant stare of someone who has walked into the kitchen at three in the morning to see him eating ice cream right out of the pint, standing with half of his body tilted into the open fridge. The blanket draped around his shoulders in case he got cold (something that could have been mitigated by eating elsewhere) hadn’t helped.

“I don’t think you have room to lecture me about this,” she tells him instead of retelling the story. Good, since they’re in public. “You’re the one who got me into sea salt ice cream, anyway.”

“Fine, fine. I’ll just tell Isa to lecture you then.”

“ _Please_ don’t,” says Xion immediately.

“That’s what I thought.” Lea is grinning and tapping his temple when a glint of color out of the corners of his eyes catches his attention. He tracks it to a pink star-shaped clip stuck into Xion’s choppy bangs. “Hey, that hair clip—did you just get that?”

Xion’s hair stirs around her face as she nods. “Yeah! I got a pack of them.” She rattles her plastic bag, then gives him an askance look. “Actually, speaking of my hair, I was thinking about getting it cut. Can you—?”

“Do I look like I know how to cut hair?” Lea reaches back to flatten the spiky hair sticking up at the back of his head. Xion hides a laugh behind her palm, and Lea rolls his eyes as he drops his hand, sure his hair is already popping back up. “No, of course not. I think the last time someone other than my parents—” he doesn’t say who, but he’s sure it shows in his face somehow “—cut my hair, I was, like, sixteen, and that definitely wasn’t a professional cut. Hairstylists are too expensive.”

“ _Lea,”_ says Xion with an imploring look that she can’t have invented all on her own.

“Jeez, don’t give me that look, kid.” Lea scratches at the back of his neck. “You’re gonna run me out of house and home if you keep leeching off of me like this.”

Xion laughs. “You don’t mind.”

As long as she’s smiling like it’s going to split her face in two, such a stark difference from the somber, scared look she used to wear, then no, he doesn’t. He sighs, hands in his pockets. She doesn’t have anything close to a good poker face. “Do you actually want a haircut, or are you just messing with me?”

Her face goes pink. “Uh—”

Lea shakes his head in faux disappointment. “Honestly, who taught you such mischief?”

“You,” says Xion without hesitation.

It’s true, but still, Lea squawks, “Hey!”

She snickers. Through barely suppressed laughter of his own, he shoves her, sending them both teetering toward the edge of the sidewalk. Xion shoves back, pelts his side with a flurry of elbows—not as sharp as his, but pretty harsh in their own right—and trods on his feet. They’re both laughing too hard to keep it up for long, which is probably for the best, given the looks they’re attracting. Lea has to catch himself on the side of a nearby building to straighten back up.

“So no haircut?” he wheezes out.

Xion makes to speak and almost chokes. She recovers soon enough, waving off an offer of water from Lea, and then manages to say, “No, no. I think I’m actually going to try growing it out.” A finger curls around a dark strand already grazing the side of her neck. “But I do want to try shaving at least part of it, maybe.”

That’s a bridge they’ll cross—or burn—when they get there. “I’m sure it’ll look fine whatever you do,” placates Lea, and Xion beams. He glances down, patting his pocket. “Hey, you know what? Let’s go get ice cream.”

Xion’s eyes widen. “You said—”

“Yeah, yeah, I say a lot of things.” Lea holds a finger to his lips. “I’ll keep it a secret from Isa if you do.”

“Deal,” Xion agrees at once, already rushing in the direction of the ice cream stand.

Lea shakes his head—some things, he muses, will never change—before following, laughter ringing in the air, in her wake.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm pretty sure it was an illustration of trans xion in a changing room -- though i cannot for the life of me remember whom by, so if anyone has any idea, lmk! -- that convinced me to finally take the plunge and get into kh (which was almost a year ago. i finished kh3 five days ago, to put things in perspective), so, you know! full circle!
> 
> anyway, thanks for reading! if you have time to spare, comments and kudos are always appreciated <3
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/withlittlequill) | [tumblr](https://infernallegaycy.tumblr.com)


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